I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
