Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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