So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
