Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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