My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
