I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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