batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
