Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
