I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
