My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So many bounce houses so little time
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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