He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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