is your mom at the bar?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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