I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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