Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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