I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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