I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
