It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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