I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
