you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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