Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
