remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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