Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
