Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
