So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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