So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
