I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
