i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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