Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
