I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
