Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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