The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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