Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
