I just pynch a tree in the face
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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