oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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