The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
