i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
