Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
