I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
