Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
