we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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