Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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