Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
