my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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