Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
