Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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