Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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