If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
