Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i already hear my dad disowning me
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
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Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole