I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.