Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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