Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
