I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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