: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
