there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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