chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
