He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
