he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
