Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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