I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
