Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you had me at cake vodka
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
