Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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